financial independence

How to Marry Money

jeff-bezos-and-mackenzie-bezos-attend-the-2018-vanity-fair-news-photo-927381540-1547047564It’s the world’s oldest path to financial independence… is it right for you?

There are many paths to financial independence. Most of these involve extreme saving, extreme frugality, extreme hustling, extreme dividends, or some kind of extreme behavior tilted towards a high income and a low spending rate.

But one path I never see discussed is extreme marriage – i.e., acquiring wealth through marriage, or at least through a long term and financially rewarding relationship.

Yet I would venture to say that marriage is one of the most common paths to financial independence. And even more so since the advent of community property laws.

I recently tweeted about this topic and let’s just say it attracted a lot of attention and comments. Some felt that it was infeasible, irrelevant, immoral, etc. – but others were clearly curious. So it felt incumbent upon me to write the first personal finance blog post ever, which explores that taboo topic of marrying money.

 

First: Ask Your Blogger If It’s Right for You

For a community that writes about financial independence, there seem to be precious few bloggers and tweeters that have actually, you know, achieved financial independence. Most of them seem to be scraping by , squirreling away every dime in the hopes of achieving wealth, or at least stability, in the distant future.

Marrying money can get you to FI almost immediately. You don’t need affiliate sales, ebooks, dividends, index funds, or any of the other tricks to get by. In fact, from what I’ve seen, wealthy spouses would actually prefer that you not even know about any of those things, lest they distract you from serving their own needs.

And marrying money is a path that is even available to those who:

  • can’t write and sell an eBook on gumroad
  • don’t wish to side hustle
  • don’t wish to main hustle (aka 9-5)
  • don’t want to bother with an education, either formal or informal
  • Don’t budget, hustle, save, earn, invest, blog, tweet, or any of those other things that they say will get you to FI

And let’s face it – of those who consider themselves financially independent, or at least financially comfortable, I would bet marriage played a role in at least 50% of these cases.

 

OK, I Want a Rich Spouse. How Do I Start?

Now that you’ve carefully considered the alternatives, and decided that marrying money is your chosen path, you may ask yourself (or me) how to go about securing said loaded spouse.

Fortunately, a fancy eCourse and hours of hustle and persistence are not necessary. You don’t even need to understand anything about bitcoin.

Indeed, it breaks down into just a few key steps:

 

Look hot

This is probably a baseline need that can be considered table stakes, i.e., you can’t play without the required minimum. If you are plain, overweight, or old, you need to fix that before even beginning the rich spouse hunt.

It’s even better if looking hot is your profession, e.g., professional model (preferably runway). Other good jobs: personal trainer, tennis coach, Instagram “influencer”.  Just remember that your looks will be the foundation that all succeeding steps after this will depend upon. So you can’t skip this one.

 

Live somewhere expensive:

Let’s face it – you have to fish where the fish are. So you may have to give up your $135,000 six bedroom house in Indianapolis and move somewhere pricier if you want to snare a rich spouse. Below I’ve helpfully recommended some neighborhoods:

  • Beverly Hills – the flats please, north of Santa Monica Blvd
  • Santa Monica – north of Montana Blvd
  • Cow Hollow/Pac Heights San Francisco
  • NYC – Manhattan, south of 96th; downtown even better
  • West Kensington, London
  • Monte Carlo, near the beach

Since even a trailer park in these hot spots can run you thousands of $$$ per month, you might consider adjacent lodgings, or better yet, commuting to these places during prime fishing hours.

 

 

Work for a Richie

Some of the world’s most famous money marriers simply hooked up with their boss. This takes advantage of adjacency, one of the most powerful drivers of true love. And you don’t even need to deviate from your daily routine.

What’s more, some the most famous and successful boss marriers met their spouses by working for them, e.g., Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Bezos, Kathy Travis, and, finally, Cheryl Sandberg’s next male secretary.

 

Keep Quiet

One great thing about dating someone wealthy is that your past doesn’t matter. Where you went to school, where you grew up, the time you served, none of it matters. It’s not that future spouses aren’t giving you the benefit of the doubt – they simply don’t care. Wealthy people only want to talk about themselves, and asking you anything about yourself would just interrupt the flow of self-aggrandizement.

 

The Perfect Combo

OK, if you want me to spell it all out for you, I will describe the ideal mate of a wealthy spouse:

Man: 20-something personal trainer specializing in divorcees over 40 (OK, 50); great listener and even better organic smoothie maker.

Woman: runway model for Gucci turned hedge fund receptionist.

Both of these people could have their pick of wealthy spouses.

 

An Alternative Worth Considering

Now, I’m not (necessarily) advising you to completely subjugate your ambitions, personality, and sense of self just to snare a rich spouse. Clearly, people that value any of those things might want to avoid this path.

But if you don’t want to make the sacrifices required by unrelenting frugality (e.g.,borrowing a friend’s Netflix passwords, moving to a third world country) or extreme income (ruthlessness, failure, endless meetings), you might want to give this path a try.

In that case,  it may be time to dust off those spanx, move to NYC,  and start down the oldest, and arguably the most foolproof path to financial independence known to man.

 

Have you achieved financial independence through marriage? Or perhaps you magnanimously bestowed FI on an attractive, attentive colleague (employee), by marrying them yourself. Tell us how in the comments below!

3 replies »

  1. Although this is obviously written tongue in cheek I do have three friends that after divorcing from middle class, pretty much loser husbands, upgraded to Richie Rich husbands, who are very nice guys as well. They didn’t have to follow all your advice, but they really nailed the being hot part! So I suppose the advice is just as good for divorced people. Personally, my wife and I started with nothing and built our financial independence together, and if I had to choose between her and the millions, I could live without the money.

    • Yes it is tongue in cheek with perhaps an undercurrent of truth 🙂 Congrats on your equal partnership (I don’t see very many of them) and thanks for the perspective!

  2. the second quickest route to Financial Independence is through marriage – and this post is invaluable for any aspiring person seeking Financial Independence.
    I am looking forward to the follow-up of the fastest way to FI which is divorcing your rich spouse!

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